Passport Arbitrage

This Econmist piece takes the reader to the streets of Da Nang at night that are a neon fever dream, the humid air smelling of grilled meat and salt water. In the bars along the coast, men from the West sit with single beers, scanning the room intensely. They are the Passport bros and believe they have finally cracked a code. To the casual observer, they are merely tourists or remote workers. But to themselves, they are refugees from a domestic dating market they describe as terminally broken, seeking a life where the math of attraction (hopefully leading to cohabitation and family formation down the road) finally adds up in their favor.

The movement is often framed as a simple life hack. The logic simple: if you cannot find the partner you desire in a culture where your social and financial capital is average, you move to a culture where those same assets are extraordinary. In the United States, a data analyst living in a parent’s basement might struggle to secure a second date. In Vietnam or Thailand, that same individual becomes a pillar of stability and a gateway to a different life. It is a migration driven by the same evolutionary pressures that have always guided mate selection, yet it is being accelerated by technology that has turned dating into a high-stakes ranking system.

The philosophical roots stem from what come to be known as manosphere. There, the world is divided into those who are awake to the supposed injustices against men and those who remain oblivious. The Passport Bro takes what they call the passport pill, a belief that the modern Western woman has been conditioned to reject traditional femininity and masculine authority. By leaving, these men are seeking sun and lower rent along with a return to an imagined past where gender roles were fixed and the domestic hierarchy was unquestioned.

This yearning for a lost order is a recurring theme in history. Whenever social norms shift rapidly, a segment of the population inevitably looks backward with a sense of mourning. After the Second World War, thousands of American soldiers returned home with war brides, praising women from abroad for being less competitive and more accommodating than their domestic counterparts. Today, that same sentiment is repackaged for the era of the algorithm. Instead of war stories, there are TikToks ranking the most submissive nationalities and YouTube tutorials on how to find a woman who will take pride in making a man’s life easier.

The tragedy of the movement lies in its transactional nature. While many of these men speak of love and companionship, the language they use is often stripped of romance and replaced marketplace vocabulary. They talk of rosters, rankings, and hypergamy. They measure their success by how much more their salary and ethnicity count for in a developing economy. It is a system built on an imbalance of power, where the primary attraction is often the very inequality the men claim to be escaping. It seems to me that very mindset brought on the struggles in the local dating market for them. There is no telling what the imported bride will turn into after a few years in America where she will have choice, access, and freedom. To main the leverage that got them to Da Nang in the first instance, they will likely need to remain there which can be fraught with innumerable complications they don't see at first. 

There is a somber irony in the fact that many Passport Bros claim to be seeking something authentic and traditional while relying on the most modern of tools to find it. They use Google Translate to communicate with partners they cannot speak to and use social media to broadcast their curated lives to an audience of envious peers back home. They are trying to build a future out of the fragments of a past that likely never existed in the way they imagine.

The rise of the Passport Bro is a symptom of a much deeper fracturing in the West. Men and women are drifting apart, separated by different expectations of what a relationship should be and who should hold the power within it. As the cost of living makes the traditional breadwinner model nearly impossible in the United States, some men find it easier to move the goalposts than to change the game. They fly halfway around the world to find a place where they can finally feel like the winners they were told they were supposed to be, leaving behind a home they no longer understand for a paradise built on a temporary advantage.

Digital Dates

I used to feel awkard about dining alone when I was single. It was out of lack of choice often and not a matter of preference. When that phase of my life past, it seemed not to matter at all. Eating a bowl of ramen for dinner alone in NY felt fine. I was surrounded by folks just like me, many were watching stuff on their phone as they ate, I was messaging on my phone. 

But the next frontier of the solo dining experience involves a digital companion that can take a physical seat at the table. This story is set in a Hell Kitchen wine bar where a chatbot platform hosted what it claimed to be the first artificial intelligence dating cafe. The experimental pop up event invited diners to engage in intimate conversations with AI powered avatars through iPhone screens and headphones while consuming actual cocktails and food. The avatars were programmed to be supportive and attentive partners with identities like a marketing assistant from Harlem or a literary editor who could comment on a diners cheeseburger in real time.

Despite the promise of a private and tailored relationship the reality of flirting with a screen in a public restaurant proved to be a surreal and often disjointed experience. I'm amazed people were able to do it at all. Waitstaff were instructed to treat the digital entities like human dates but the presence of headphones and the inability of the software to recognize offscreen interactions with servers created a distinct sense of isolation. Many attendees noted that the experience felt more like a video call with a distant acquaintance than a romantic encounter with the technology lacking the warmth and unpredictability of a real person.

While the event was designed as a marketing stunt for new video chat features it also served as a window into how technology might address the modern loneliness epidemic. However the feedback from participants suggested that the algorithms were not quite ready to replace human chemistry. Diners found the AI companions to be somewhat repetitive and occasionally unsettling in their programmed observations. If there is a consumer demand for this technology, I can see the AI being embedded into a living doll form factor so the digital presence can actually occopy a physical seat and make things more "real" whatever that means these days.

Old Ideas

I am naturally curious about Gen Z being the mother of one and also running into them in the workplace. This Atlantic essay about their unique relationship challenges did not feel so unique after all. The vocabulary may have evolved along with the means of communication but the concepts have been around for ever. 

For much of the late 20th century, American dating followed a familiar, linear script, one so entrenched that even pop songs like Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” could map intimacy as a baseball diamond, complete with “first base” and “home run.” Today, however, Gen Z has largely rewritten the rules. The base system and its implied sequence of romantic milestones are now viewed by many young people as outdated or even ironic, replaced by a profusion of new terms and scenarios that reflect far more fluid, ambiguous, and individualized approaches to sex, connection, and commitment.

Young adults in Gen Z use a vast vocabulary including “sneaky links,” “zombies,” “breadcrumbing,” “situationships” to describe a wider array of relationships, many of which blur or disregard traditional stages and labels. These shifting social dynamics have both liberated and complicated romance. It’s now just as common for a serious relationship to grow out of a long-distance online bond, or for intimacy to precede any emotional label. The pressure to hit milestones has faded, replaced by encouragement (and sometimes confusion) to move at one’s own pace, whether that means exploring kinks as a teen or remaining a virgin into adulthood.

This new “buffet” of dating and sexual options lets Zoomers chart highly personal paths, but the abundance of choice brings its own stress. Many say they struggle to find guidance, despite the internet offering endless information. Paradoxically, while Gen Z has access to more data about sex and relationships than any previous generation, they often lack the tools or role models to decide what truly feels right or how to communicate about vulnerability and preferences. In navigating this ever-evolving landscape, some fall into patterns of avoidance, performative coolness, or emotional detachment, preferring the safety of casual liaisons or ambiguous “talking stages” over labeled relationships.

Sexual openness can be both freeing and fraught. Gen Z is more likely to embrace “enthusiastic consent” and candidly discuss sexual pleasure, but porn and digital platforms have also shaped new expectations, sometimes pushing boundaries before emotional intimacy is established. At the same time, peer acceptance and the ever-watchful gaze of social media means there’s sometimes more fear around being emotionally vulnerable (like public hand-holding) than around physical intimacy itself. Many Zoomers agree: “Sex is easy, emotional connection is hard,” and there’s a collective ambivalence about exposure, risk, and potential for embarrassment.

Yet, for all the contradictions, one constant remains: the desire to connect and the anxiety that comes with it. Gen Z’s new landscape allows for greater self-directed exploration, but also reveals a generation sorting through loneliness, self-consciousness, and the pressure to seem unbothered. Some ultimately do reject the chill exterior, choosing to pursue connection and clarity even if it means braving the very feelings and risks their cultural script tells them to avoid. In the end, as much as the specifics change, the basic human longing for intimacy, acceptance, and understanding endures.

Some variant of all they are experiencing has existed for ever. Maybe the speed of information exchange compresses the time to decision so significantly that new words are needed to describe what is happening. I would argue for instance the concept of situationshiip is not novel. A couple in an arranged marriage that is mostly loveless and only mildly friendly and the parties are agreed on a don't ask, don't tell policy about extracurricular activities has been around forever and is exactly the same thing. It only had the "benefit" of a socially recognized union that brings certain value to the couple.

Show Stopper

I had my friend L over for dinner a few days ago. Last time we saw each other in person was before the pandemic so there was a lot to catch up on. She is in her early 40s comfortable in her career and a single mom lucky to have an ex with whom it is easy to co-parent. L is one of those people who recognize their blessings and are grateful for them. It's not usual to hear her complain or feel sorry for herself. 

Conversation turned to her dating life or the lack thereof on account of the pandemic. It turns out that singles had gone into hibernation for months while we were all getting used to the lock-down way of life. But recently, things are started to thaw out and there is a date to be had sometimes. Finally after a long time she is starting to meet men who seem right in every way. Yet for three times in a row, three different men revealed something about themselves to her that ended up being a show-stopper. This was after a couple of dates.

The easy theory is that she is self-sabotaging progress in love life but we speculated the real reason may be less obvious. She has friends in their 50s and 60s who have remained single and are in no rush to commit, enjoying the freedom of the dating life on the one hand and grand kids on the other. They have it all - freedom to work the job and hours they like, not be bound to a specific place, time to focus on hobbies and prioritize their health and fitness. 

The presence of grandkids gives them the deep and renewing connection to family. Maybe that is the life L seeks in reality. To get past this stage where she is raising a school age kid and working full-time to meet her financial obligations, to where is it is clear sailing like her older friends who she claims have the "charmed life". It was interesting to see a younger woman visibly envious of those fifteen to twenty years her senior. 

End Point

The topic of online dating has inexhaustible potential. This article attempts to reach that elusive end point. In a sweeping commentary that touches on the socio-economics of online dating, the technology that enables it and what it means for the future of relationships, the author does not leave much out. However, he is not able to tie the many threads of this topic into a cohesive conclusion.

Early on, he talks about what online dating companies are trying to create, namely "the profusion of potential partners all in one convenient marketplace, a sort of Costco for the libido". And like a customer at Costco who may prefer it over multiple stops at locally owned stores and a farmer's market, the online dater would likely forego the traditional methods of dating and take the path of least resistance. Technology allows for mass personalization; to that end I get coupons in the mail from my nearest big box store that exactly meet my needs. They come in an envelope addressed to me and unlike the mass mailers they once sent out, every last offer is completely relevant to me.

This level of personalization, Horning argues is coming to the online dating world as well "Just as CafePress can sell you a customized T-Shirt, why shouldn’t OKCupid aspire to sell you a customized partner?" From my past experience and that of my friends who have been or currently are active in the online dating world, that goal is aspirational at best. Unlike a person's shopping habits, that can be read, measured and interpreted, their preferences for romantic partner cannot be so easily discerned. Often the person in question does not know, cannot describe what it takes to make them happy and indeed does not want to profiled and served a made to order partner. While OKCupid's analytic horsepower is impressive, it is a little disingenuous to pretend that it is possible to pair someone with a partner perfect for them - algorithmically.

There are many connections made between the traditional business and the online dating market place. Here is one I found interesting. Horning says: "Traditionally, businesses have thrived on artificial scarcity, even if the tendency of the system as a whole may be to arbitrage away such advantages." He ties the idea of artificial scarcity to female purity "In a sense, social mores and attitudes about female purity worked as DRM for dating, restricting supply to protect intimacy’s value." Unfortunately, Horning does not carry this idea forward into his subsequent arguments.

He quotes the Dan Slater, author of Love In The Time of Algorithms, as saying the dating companies “want satisfied daters. But they also spend their days focused on maximizing nonromantic metrics, such as ‘customer acquisition,’ ‘conversion rates,’ and ‘lifetime value.’ ” This reminded me of my friend S who has been dating for a couple of years now and would sooner take a break from dating when things become too complicated than try to settle. Most of her relationships span between one and six months. She is happy with her life as it is and could potentially be classified a "satisfied dater" who would help maximize all those "nonromantic metrics" Slater is referring to.

Anti Rules

S was telling us when we were out to lunch one afternoon, how she and her boyfriend B started dating. Ordinarily, this would not be the most riveting topic of conversation - everyone has a story some less boring than others but S is outside a couple of standard deviations in personality so hers promised to be an interesting one and she had our collective attention.

Instead of playing coy, calm and collected waiting for the man to make the first move, following The Rules book and not call him unless he called after the first date - generally being hard to get instead of "needy" and "clingy", S took a completely non-traditional approach. She walked up to the guy and asked him if was interested in getting some lunch.

Apparently, the unexpectedness of it all nonplussed him and before he knew, they were sitting in a restaurant. The lunch went well and S kept a steady flow of emails going until the next time she asked B out for a date. She does not believe in waiting for things to unfold or for men to discover what they are seeking. Instead, in the right circumstances, she takes control of the situation and assumes the leadership role.Clearly, it works for her.

Now, we've all met B and think he is a very nice guy. With a less assertive woman, he may have been dithering to this day wondering how to make his next move (if at all) and may not have been the stable relationship that he has now been in for a while. He has S to thank for setting his house (literal and figurative) in order.

S the probably the anti-hero - the woman who does everything that dating and relationship coaches caution against and achieves what she wants. It could be argued that her strategy would only work on one such as B who she has on occasion emailed or called twenty times in a day until he responded only to say "Hello". According to her, it is what she felt like at the time - she was just being her natural self. No book of Rules will cramp her style.

Tie That Binds

This article in n+1 magazine on dating is an excellent read. This was my favorite part :

Dating presents itself as an education in human relationships. In fact it's an anti-education. You could invent no worse preparation for love, for marriage, than the tireless pursuit of the perfect partner. Keep Looking, says dating. You're Not Done Yet. What About That One? And That One? Dating, like the tyrant, seeks perfection (within a certain price range). Whereas the heart, like the eye, can only cling to imperfections: her funny stride, and the way her voice breaks, child-like, on the phone. And so the dater, self-baffling, seeks what the heart cannot understand.

In one paragraph, the author captures the essence of what is wrong with this process and why it is inherently frustrating. The cost of dating math is worth pondering too. When a man acts ever so cheap on the first date and takes a woman to lunch at a low end pizza chain, she wonders if he may not be that into her. Chances are he is way over budget given all the other dates he's been out on lately and that's all he can realistically afford at that point. With that being the dynamic, an otherwise promising date would score poorly with the woman who expected the man to demonstrate his level of interest using his wallet. And that is only the beginning of many complications that go with the dating territory.

Dating And Rejection

I was walking home after dropping J off at her friend’s house. Other than some chores, I did not have much to do that evening. So when N, my neighbor asked me over to join her in her balcony for a drink,the timing was perfect. N teaches physics at a local college and is a single mother like myself. Her son is getting ready to go to high school this fall. At forty something, N is very attractive and in great shape thanks to her workout discipline. If you’ve spent any time with her you would not fail to notice the bracing sense of humor and a sharp mind.

When conversation turned to relationships (she has recently parted ways with a boyfriend of a couple of years), N mentioned some of her challenges. She does not have the time to meet people “off-line” the good old-fashioned way. When her family or friends try to set her up, the pressure is too high for things to go well - plus she hates it when people "check in" after the date to see how things went.She does not want to have a picture on her profile on a dating site – to be seen by a student would be much too embarrassing. Apparently, men she contacts (which is more often the case because her picture-less profile garners very limited attention) ask to see a picture right away. She has lost count of the number of times they have written back to say “Thanks for the pictures, but I am not interested” or something along the lines that is equally blunt.

I had a really hard time processing this. The average forty something guy would be hard pressed to find a woman in his age group that looks as good as N does and that is not even counting everything else she brings to the table as a person. In physical appearance and fitness level she can still give women in their late twenties a run for their money - “Why on earth would they do that ? Are these guys looking to date only women who have been Miss Universe within the last five years ?” I asked. N’s response gave me much to think about.

She reasons that men who are not secure in their own manhood (literally and figuratively) feel empowered at least temporarily by rejecting a woman based on her looks – despite all the gains women have in gender equality, this is still culturally the cruelest cut of all. More likely than not, they will reject a woman who appears confident about herself and her place in the world - someone who is not in need of a man's validation of her worth.

Rejection helps them establish that they and not the woman are in control. A lot of women are not equipped to handle such rejection (specially when it happens over and over again and they are over a certain age) well. It undermines their confidence and makes them vulnerable in relationships that they do get into.It was not so long ago, that my friend K, who moonlights as a model, was told by a guy that he "felt no chemistry" seeing her picture. That comment prompted her to call me to talk about it. N probably had a point about rejection chipping away at a woman's self esteem - it had certainly bothered K.

According to N, if a man is indeed a man (I will skip the colorful language she used to emphasize her point about what it takes to be a real man), he is likely to compliment a woman on her looks sincerely – her eyes, the slant of her throat,her skin tone, the shape of her lips, the texture of her hair, the curve of her body – whatever it is about her that is really nice, he will notice it and tell her how he finds her attractive. When a man is able to do this, a woman should know he will not disappoint her in bed as well. This is the kind of man who is able to bring out the best in a woman emotionally and physically. Whether or not the relationship works out in the end, he would have impacted her life in a positive way. “In a way, it’s good for me to get rejected by guys based on my looks” N laughed. “Who wants to waste time with losers who won’t even be decent lays. Life is too short”.

In N’s mind, it is perfectly okay for a man to not feel attracted to a woman for a variety of reasons even if she were considered good looking by most standards (my friend K comes to mind as an example). However, the manner in which he extracts himself from the situation says everything about what kind of man he is – namely if he is self-assured, confident and most importantly virile. As far as N is concerned being a “picture- rejecter” is the calling card of an uncultured cad (for obvious reasons) with a near certainty of being entirely underwhelming in bed. In short, imminently avoidable irrespective of the woman's relationship goals. N loves guys who don’t ask to see a picture (are thrilled if she sends them some), are curious to learn what she is all about, enjoy talking to her and set up a date just to get to know her better.

This is the kind of man who makes her want to look her absolute best on their date - exceed any expectations he may have had. “How does it usually go ?” I asked. “Swimmingly well. No exceptions” N replied. Unfortunately the garden variety “picture-rejecter” is dime a dozen, the other type is a rare find. And so on a Friday evening, when her son is with her ex, N has to content herself chatting with a girlfriend instead of being out on an exciting date with a man who can for a few hours dissolve the many stresses of the week, make her laugh and feel totally desirable.

I tell N, may it’s not men – it’s all those pesticides at work feminizing them. Maybe we reason, they are going through this transitional phase when they are losing touch with the masculine in them but have not become fully feminine yet. According to our bizarre theory, in this transitional stage, they might have a strongly negative reaction to any woman who challenges them to be more male than they are able to be. That would explain the patently inexplicable phenomenon of why one such as N (or my buddy K) would get “picture rejected” time after time in by men in the dating pool. By then, it was time for me to go fetch J and I had to defer the discussion of our fascinating hypothesis for another time.

Empathy Enhancement

Against my better judgment, I emailed T several weeks after our "date" asking him a simple question "What made you fall off the face of the earth ?" More than anything, this was curiosity about human nature. It was all too apparent to me that he and I would not work out for the long haul.Even so, no one wants to believe that they have no judgment of character and in inter-personal relationships are completely unable to read what the other party is signaling. It hurts our self-esteem. T wrote back and this is what he had to say for himself :

No, you have not misunderstood things. I was wrong to break off contact with you, and I should have handled it better. Soon after our date (which was wonderful) I realized that because of distance and other things we would not have a long term relationship. I also knew that if we dated even a couple of times, I would not be able to restrain my desire for you. I thought it would be wrong to start dating, then maybe get too involved, then break up with you. I apologize that I just cut off communications, but I thought it would be best.

If this Livescience article is to be believed, men like T could benefit greatly from a shot of empathy enhancing nasal spray. They would be able to handle things better and be more pro-active than reactive when it came to relationships.In this situation, T might have been over-reacting about hurting my feelings when in fact, I was not liable to be hurt at all. Had I not asked, I would have never known. It would have been one of those unresolved relationship questions that make it to agony aunt columns and prompt books such as He Is Not That Into You. Truth is apparently stranger than fiction.

Meeting By The Creek

After a long hibernation in the realm of singleness, I ventured out to meet someone recently. Introduced by a well meaning friend who thought we might be good together, I decided there could be worse ways to spend a Monday evening than answering a phone call from T. He turned out to be a great conversationalist and in a little while, I forgot that we were different in every way possible - color, culture, religion, profession, education, life experience and even politics. Yet, as I talked with T each evening for the rest of the week, there was more and more we found to like about each other. We were amazed that this was even possible and thanked the mutual friend who had got us connected.Then on a Saturday we actually met.

The chemistry was just as great as the mental connection - this was the stuff that made for perfect relationships - in the text book but never in real life. It was exciting to be with T but when we were quiet together it was an incredibly peaceful feeling. Before he left, T told me "You are a wonderful in many ways but what I like best is your honesty - I know what I see is what I will get. That is completely unique in my experience. I don't know any other woman I can say that about". I don't recall a man paying me a compliment that touched me quite as deeply. We parted ways, making plans to meet again the next weekend. Following well established dating game precedent, T did not call back the day after and I decided to end it promptly while the acquaintance was still new. It was time to wake up from a dream and get on with the day to day.

For a week, I felt like I was in my teens again - flirting, being silly and saying things that neither of us meant with any kind of seriousness. Yet because we had that spontaneous mental and physical spark, even the facetious became imbued with some deeper meaning. I believed T when he told me that I was unlike anyone he had met - we all want to believe we are special, enigmatic and unique. In such knowledge lies our salvation. If not, we would be mere cogs in an infinite wheel, with no reason or larger purpose to our lives; nothing to make us count and be of value to the world. To be told what we hold to be true about ourselves by someone we feel attracted to is the best kind of affirmation though it can be dangerously close to narcissism. T had invested a week of his life, giving this connection he had formed with me everything he had and that's all he was able to offer.

Short, intense, vibrant and beautiful - the stuff of great memories. We may remember that week and the Saturday when we met in a park, sat side by side on a rock and watched the minnows make ripples in a lazy creek. The sun had slanted just a little to make the water glitter, the breeze made my hair caress his face and allowed him to whisper into my ear. Everything was a little too perfect. T is a dating artist par excellence and I am an ingénue at best in this arena -  a match made in heaven. I was able to whet his jaded appetite and that brought out the best in him. I am sure he will go on to make many more conquests and add to his collection of relationship memories. In time, the names and faces of the women he has been with will blur, the details of the time he spend with them smudge around the edges. Sadly for him, despite all that magic that he is able to make, he may still be alone just as he has been for over two decades now since his last serious relationship.

Years from now I might remember T sending me a A.E. Housman poem and my response to him the form of my favorite Yeats - and that was merely day two. T offered profusely as only someone like him can and I received with intensity that is probably characteristic of me. In our hearts we knew it to be over even before our date was. "I guess this will be one of the many random things that have happened in my life" I told him. "You can blog about it" he laughed. And so here I am. This one is for you, T.

Kicking Tires

I have blogged before on my view that dating is not a necessary detour to marriage and found something to ponder over this story I read some time ago, about a Japanese man marrying the avatar from a dating game. There are some interesting possibilities that come to mind. A lot of people swear by the efficacy of getting to know their potential partner over time - trying to simulate conditions of their real life after marriage. The idea being that they will be able to uncover "the real" person. When the right circumstances intersect, the stress will be enough to peel away the facade and the truth about who they are will become evident. When that happens, making a decision one way or the other becomes simple. 

More often that not, the "stress test" method fails because it is almost impossible to weight the large number of variables that are at play, exactly right. Sometimes, people will get entrapped in situations that they will regret later and at other times they will have walked away from a person and relationship that would might have been ideal for them.

A dating game if set up right should be able to do a lot more for two people in a Second Life setting (not a sim) than they might be able to left to their own devices. They can take their relationship through the paces without actually being there.What would make things more useful is for players to save and share their previous games with new partners. When a relationship turns serious it would default to full-disclosure mode so there is nothing left to guess or need to spend time in the whole discovery process that  dating is all about. The more pre-scripted the moves, the more efficient the whole process would be. Assuming people are busy and time is of the essence, it becomes imperative that the game goes from start to end fairly quickly and the results are unambiguous. If a game ends up taking months to complete and/or the outcome is not deterministic then one might as well go out and date in the real world and deal with all that it entails.

A Child's View

A few weeks ago J and I met with a friend, her kids and her boyfriend for dinner. Like me, the woman is desi but unlike me she has dated and continues to do so hoping that will in time, lead her to the right man. We both came out of arranged marriages that did not work out. Her position (and it is a fairly common one in the circumstances) is that not spending time together ahead of time was the reason that marriage did not work out. This time around, she will not be rushed or rush into things. 

The man has been part of her household for the last couple of years, the kids like him but do not want her to marry him. That makes things complicated for her because at some point, they have to take the logical next step with their relationship or end it. I was curious about J's take on what she saw - specially because she can relate to the woman and kids very directly. This is a lot different from seeing an American single mom and her household - there is an expectation that the cultural difference will account for the unfamiliar life style choices even if that were not true.

J said what she has said before "I want you to have a husband and me to have a daddy but I don't want you to date - a boyfriend would confuse me" I found it surprising how the same situation can lead kids to have entirely different ideas on how they would like to see things unfold. In a sense, our kids are being supportive of the direction we have chosen to take.

Since L, my friend has dated men in the past and continues to do so, her children want her to remain in that pattern and not disrupt it with a marriage. They have grown comfortable seeing their mother move in and out of relationships and have come to accept it as the natural order of their life. J on the other hand, has never seen me be in a relationship but wants to have a family. In her mind, that can happen only when I am married. Me having a boyfriend does not give her what she wants and she extends that to mean it is not what would serve me well either.

Absent Chemistry

Recently my friend K asked if it were possible to judge if there was chemistry or not based on one picture. I was quick to say yes - it has happened to me. Now K is a very attractive young woman who does some modeling on the side. Clearly for an "average-looking" man to tell her "awfully sorry but I am not feeling any chemistry at all" based on a picture from her portfolio is an affront. Had it been the other way around, K would have not called to ask me the question she did. I am certain she has summarily dismissed prospects based on a picture or two - as have many of us women.

The real question is therefore, should men be held to a different standard than women. Does it behoove them to declare they find a woman attractive even if they really don't - is it merely good manners like holding the door. Are they out of acceptable standards of behavior if they tell what they actually think. I suggested to K that she shrug it off and move on. It should not be so easy for a random man to come along and displace her confidence in her physical appearance.

There are enough guys fawning over K at any given time - and that alone should be enough to undo the damage one had done. As long as youth is on her side she can count on that. When it is gone she will need have enough self-worth built so she no longer needs validation and affirmation from men. She should be in a place where she can be amused at the remark and be able tell this man she appreciates his candor and wishes him luck.

Tales Of The Wierd

My friend K emailed this to me with a note saying "I thought you'd get a chuckle out of it". The profile below belongs to a 53 year old man who is divorced with a couple of teen-aged kids and looking to get hitched again. That he would see it fit to express his interest in a woman who has never been married before and is just over half his age, would probably prompt a "WTF !" reaction in most people (it certainly did in me). But what he has to say is just too precious not to share.

I am looking for a partner who is willing to settle in US, India or South Africa. Beauty is a must. Must be good cook I am not looking for a partner can't make up her mind. I don't want my partner be negatively influenced by family. My partner must be happy all the time I don't need depressed or PMSY. Thank you and looking for your message.

I wrote K back asking her to humor this man for a just a little bit. Tell him that she is taking lessons in gourmet cooking and will touch base with him when she is ready to put her education to use. She will be very glad to give up her thriving career in America to become a full-time, stay-at-home cook in any of the three countries he mentions though she would not hesitate one bit to follow him to Chad or Outer Mongolia should that be required.

She is still trying to figure the best way to cut loose from her family and friends in the US because they could only be a baleful influence on her marriage with him. What use would she have of such dead-weight in her life once she becomes his wife ?

Finally to end on a cheerful note, K could write she has never suffered from PMS but to preempt getting depressed, she will go on Prozac or some such pro-actively. In the end, marrying a man like him is any woman's dream come true and she would make sure she met or exceeded all his expectations. I am guessing K has no time or interest to play such ridiculous games so the rest of us will miss on some really big laughs.

Word Meanings

Here is the entry for the word passionate in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

Main Entry:

pas·sion·ate

Pronunciation:

\ˈpa-sh(ə-)nət\

Function:

adjective

Date:

15th century

1 a: easily aroused to anger b: filled with anger : angry2 a: capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling b: enthusiastic , ardent3: swayed by or affected with sexual desire

synonyms see impassioned

— pas·sion·ate·ly adverb

— pas·sion·ate·ness noun

I had to look this up during a long chat with a desi girlfriend K, who is single and active on the dating scene. She wondered about the use of the word passionate in a lot of personal profiles posted by desi guys.

K has always associated the word with its second meaning per Merriam-Webster i.e. capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling. She asked me whether that was the meaning I would assume as well and I said I would. Apparently the Indian gentlemen she has encountered on the dating scene always imply number three - i.e. swayed by or affected with sexual desire and that little misunderstanding of intent and implication of a word has been the root cause of many an abended relationship for K. Per K, the non-desis are far less likely to use such euphemisms to couch their intentions - they tend to be more factual.

So we have a scenario where K reads a desi guy's profile, finds it interesting in many ways and thinks he looks rather "cute". She likes it that he describes himself as passionate specially in combination with his rather esoteric list of hobbies. K thinks that the passion drives him to pursue his many interests outside his career and that he would throw himself whole heartedly at anything that captures his imagination. Women almost always like men who fit that description.

Then reality strikes. K is out on her first date with the said guy after a few emails and phone conversations that have all been very positive. Her expectations are really high at this point. The date goes well too except for one thing. The guy mentions a few times how passionate he is and he would find it difficult to be in a relationship with a woman who is not as well. I would be remiss to not mention at this point that K is a very attractive young woman with a great sense of style.

K talks animatedly about her passions - traveling, dancing and volunteering. Knowing her for as long as I have, I understand how much of herself she invests in all of those things and how much they mean to her - they define who is she. The guy sitting across from her has however tuned her out. She does not understand why. He dumbs it down one notch so she may find it easier to comprehend the word passionate. He describes himself as very physical when it comes to demonstrating love and affection in a relationship. At this point, even K gets his drift and wishes she could evaporate from the date.

According to her, this pattern has repeated itself several times with little variation. She is to the point that she clicks on the next profile as soon as a desi guy has used the word the word passion in any form in his. It is one of her red flags. I tell her maybe this is one of those Men from Mars and Women from Venus things that relationship experts talk about but I do have to admit all this talk about physical and passionate coming from desi men does sound a little rich in light of their less than stellar credentials in the area. I could not help wondering if there was not a little bit of over-compensation going on there.

Dating And Marriage

Would-be "dates" have been taken by complete surprise by me saying that I have no time for or interest in dating. For one thing, a long drawn out getting to know each other period is the surest way for me to get bored with the process and the man involved - I know that only too well. However, putting a "realistic" time-frame around the dating process, I understand equates it to an arranged marriage not to mention puts too much pressure on a "final" decision which is naturally anathema to the dating-minded. Things have to be allowed to proceed at a leisurely pace and at some point the decision will become self-evident is the popular theory. I just happen to disagree with that theory.

So they have obviously asked how I expected to get to know someone well enough to marry them. After all, marriage is a serious, life-time commitment. It is not a job that you can be wrong about and just leave to find another without having much to lose. They would expect one such as myself to be even more cautious given one failed marriage. What gives ? This post is an attempt to answer that very question.

Marriage specially in the Indian middle-class context transcends the individuals and needs to be inclusive of the two families. If the divergences between the two families are too many or too sharp, it strains the fabric of the marriage itself. I have been that situation a couple of times - when caring for someone deeply was not nearly enough because we were not able to find enough common ground to be able to take our friendship quite that far. Then there were the flaws in our relationship that would be perfectly acceptable in a friendship but difficult to live with in a marriage. While those had been friendships of many years, we had not dated each other.

Then there was R (my ex). Definitely excellent marriage material from a practical standpoint but lacking the essential life spark it takes to make a marriage work and last. I knew this the minute we were introduced and told the family elders as much. They asked that I not be so precipitate in passing judgment, that I give it time, that a kind and loving heart could make up for everything else, that marriage is for the long haul and chemistry is only a small part of it. Finally, that I was too naive. I did not trust myself enough to stand my ground.

Ten years ago, I did not need to date anyone to understand if they were right or wrong for me - I merely lacked the confidence in my own judgment. That said, to need to do go dating to find a partner at this point in my life feels nothing short of ludicrous. That men even older than me and with a lot more relationship experience, have the time and energy to go through this process in order to find a life-partner is even more amazing. If they haven't figured it out yet and relationships continue to baffle and confuse them maybe they should stop trying to settle into something permanent. Maybe short term flings are all they have capacity for.

I can understand dating as means of social interaction with "benefits" thrown in for good measure. There is nothing wrong with that and it is a perfectly good idea for anyone so disposed. But to claim that it is necessary to date someone for an unstated period of time to decide if they are marriage-able or not is nothing short of an insult to that person's intelligence.

You are basically telling them that you will have them all figured out in a certain amount of time and know for a fact that you are getting a good deal. You are also telling them that by kicking the tires in advance you are making sure the relationship is durable enough to work out in long term. Rather presumptuous.

I believe that any human being with a functional level of intelligence is fully capable of deciding whether or not they want to reveal themselves and be understood by another person. If they do, the book is open to read on day one - there is nothing to be gained by spending time in discovery. If they do not, even after spending a lifetime with them, they can remain a perfect stranger. It is their choice to make. It is their gift to give or take away at will.

The fundamental premise of dating is flawed because human beings can at best aspire to know themselves, knowing another person is therefore not even a reasonable aspirational goal. Dating offers a false promise of achieving that inherently impossible goal. Not surprisingly therefore, disappointments are rife.

I have seen from experience that being completely upfront and truthful about myself is the best way to know what I need to know about a man. I may not always learn the "truth" about him but I will definitely know (and inevitably have) that he is not being truthful. Sometimes that is all one needs to know in order to walk away and this can happen early on. If truth is reciprocated with truth that is enough to let me know if someone is right or wrong for me. In either case, the process is fairly straight forward and does not entail dating.

When a fully grown up man says it is impossible for him to make a lifetime decision without dating me for an unknown period of time, I know he has no clue who he is looking for and will definitely not recognize her if he sees her. If we dated for all long as it took for his resistance to wear out or for an epiphany to strike we might even get hitched in the end - as I have seen happen with several couples. But chances are he might still be making the wrong call - a decision he could very well regret later. To go along with such an arrangement is to expend a lot of time and energy to compensate for someones lack of maturity at the risk of an ill-judged outcome.

While I speak from a woman's perspective, I suspect a lot of my experience transfers over to men as well. I have girlfriends who believe that they deserve a bigger, better deal than the man they are with currently and yet are not able to articulate what that might look like. They pursue this chimera of the man ideally suited for them and it eludes them date after date.

The more they see, the more confused they get. What if he is seeing someone else as well ? Should I keep my options option so I don't get hurt if he bails on me suddenly ? Is he serious or is he only pretending to be ? Does he pay me as much attention as I deserve or is he too casual ? It turns out if they truly knew themselves they may not have been plagued by so many doubts about someone else.

They like this man's sense of humor, the other man's professional success and the third man's body. If they could all magically come together in one man, that would solve their problem at once. I encourage these women to read about Draupadi. They continue to date not knowing any other way to meet the man they will marry and get frustrated that many years of dating is not helping them close the deal.

My point is, dating can be good recreation if your life allows such time and latitude. If you lack both and have better things to gainfully occupy yourself with it is just a harmless waste of time (though you can do your bit to save the environment and date local only). But if you have the all of those constraints and are only looking for a spouse, it is completely avoidable.

Love 2.0

Reading this article in which experts hold forth on online dating reminded me of something a friend had said a while ago - that I should write a post on how to spot a fake in thirty minutes or less. It is commonly known that on the Internet no one needs to know you are a dog. With apologies to the canine species who are by far superior on all counts compared with the scumbags you run into online, it is important to be able to recognize the many "dogs" of the online dating world. Here is a small sampling of things to beware of :

1. Email Address : Would not use a real first and last name, the handle itself would be vague and not have any real life associations that you can trace back to. Often the address is fairly new - its hard to find a fake using an email address he has had since the 90s.

2. Voice Mail Greeting : Regular people often announce their name in the own voice (at least) and will also have a greeting recorded. A fake will use a cell-phone and/or a VoIP phone as their only contact number. They will use the pre-recorded greeting that comes out of the box and record a blank instead of their name in the greeting. Most often the phone number will not be announced. You will feel weird leaving a message and wonder if you even had the right number.

3. Lack of e-correspondence : They will like to minimize e-mail trail and try to get on the phone as quickly as possible. You will be hard-pressed to get them to send you a photograph. They may or may not ask to see one of yours. They will reason it is much more effective to meet in person because it is almost impossible to sense chemistry via a picture

4. Invented Identity : If you want to meet only people of your own religion, a determined fake from another one will lie about his faith. An easy way to test this one is to lead him into some very uncomfortable discussion about religion or better still be obnoxious and flaunt your own faith to the point, it becomes difficult for him to not defend what he believes in. Chances are, he will steer conversation in a different direction. All other aspects of a fake's identity will be invented as well - education, career, family, marital status, children - what have you. They follow a playbook and will do their best to stick to the script. Drilling down to the next level of detail on any aspect is the easiest way to rat them out simply because there is no detail.

5. Language : Usually effusive and charming (if they have been at it for any length of time). They will try to bypass the initial ice-breaking phase and plunge right into the heart of the matter with lines like "Do you think you will like me ?" , "Do I sound like the kind of man you might find interesting to get to know ?", "I can't wait to meet you. In all the time I have been dating, I've never talked to someone like you. When do you have some time to meet ?" and so on. It all about not venturing into territory that requires specific, quantitative responses and trying to tug at your heartstrings by way of "You are so wonderful to talk to, I could be on the phone with you all day", "You should never settle for a man who does not appreciate how special and unique you are ". On a bad day, a lot of women will drop their guard when such lines are delivered with panache and it is exactly on such days that fakes pull off their scams.

6. Speed : Sort of related to the previous section. Fakes want to hit the ground running. There is no time to be wasted getting to know someone new. They act like they have this amazing psychic connection with you, which makes the run of the mill process of relationship building quite unnecessary. They "get" you completely and you will discover that yourself as soon as you drop your defences and let them into your heart. As for your body - they are not seeking that at all - easy women are dime a dozen and they could be hooking up with anyone they fancied. You on the other hand are exclusive and special - it is your love and respect they seek. They will do their utmost to get you emotionally entangled quickly - everything else becomes easy at that point.

7. Too good to be true : If a guy tells you stuff about himself and/or his family that is simply too good to be true be very afraid. If he talks to you like he has known you for ever and gets you to talk with him like you would with your closest friends even before you have met in person, be very afraid. If he is not able to give you his full legal name, home address and phone number or send you a mail from his work mail address you can be almost 100% certain you are dealing with a fake. The real guys have no trouble providing you as much information about them as you reasonably need to feel comfortable.

So let's say you know exactly how to tell a fake and think you are talking to one. It's one thing to think and quite another to know for sure. Your fake is going to try his hardest to convince you that you are paranoid and steeped in negativity to the point that you are unable to see the inherent goodness in human beings.

He will have some cockamamie story about how he had been a victim of identity theft in the past and prefers to err on the side of caution when giving out personal information. After all, when the two of you are together, he will be handing his life over to you to guide and run - remember you are his life's true north. If not that, the other frequently used story involved a neurotic ex (girlfriend, fiancee, wife etc) who is obsessed about him and will do everything in her power to stop him from moving on.

He is a man on the run, trying to hide from this raging female lunatic who is hounding him relentlessly - he just cannot afford to leave traces of himself online or offline if he wants to escape her wrath. You just have to live with the ambiguities and trust that he is the man you have been waiting for - all will be cleared up in the end when you two are married. Needless to say, all stories are told very convincingly. You have to maintain strong resolve and assume guilt until proven innocent. Despite what your fake tells you, this is a basic survival mechanism and not some deep-seated cynicism that will take mental health intervention to correct.

When you allow yourself to get carried away by the tall tales of your professional fake, be prepared to be jolted out of your little paradise with no warning - a call from his wife one weekend asking to know why your phone number appears hundreds of times on his cellphone bill, the man himself dropping off the face of the earth never to reappear are among the myriad of possibilities.

Books, Desis and Dating

Though I am ashamed to admit it now, I did read Ayn Rand, Richard Bach and Robert Pirsig in my teens and was quite a bit of a fan as well. This is one of those teenage afflictions that many of us have suffered and with any luck recovered by the time we became adults. 

Was reading this fun discussion on personal ad red flags and could not help chuckling at Ayn Rand devotion being among them because I do feel highly repelled by adults who say that they are. Likewise a grown man who writes in his personal ad, that he is a P.G Wodehouse fanatic and reads Calvin and Hobbes for wisdom and inspiration has always proved to be really bad news in my experience.

I enjoy reading Wodehouse as much as the next person but would never feel compelled to include this fact in my bio. The desi male who calls out his devotion to Calvin and Hobbes has told you a whole lot about himself and as a woman, you would be well advised to heed this message. He is telling you that he is highly intelligent, given to pondering the social, political and philosophical questions of the day and that he has a phenomenal sense of humor. 

The comic strip happens to be the prop he uses to present himself to the world. When you consider that in the light of the desi male's frequently exaggerated sense of self helped along by fawning mothers, aunts and hero-worshipping sisters, the popularity of Calvin and Hobbes with a desi male of a certain stripe becomes that much easier to understand.

A desi woman who ignores this particularly dangerous red flag in a desi man's personal ad does so at her own risk. The Wodehouse deal is similar only a little less alarming. The man is not trying to signal an off the charts IQ or sense of humor which is definitely some consolation. He is however trying to impress upon you his good taste, wit and breeding. That you will most likely be disappointed on all those counts and more, is a different matter. It is not for nothing that you would be hard pressed to find a desi dude whose favorite books include Portnoy's Complaint, Adrian Mole or god forbid The Confederacy of Dunces. Now that is a self-deprecating sense of humor a girl could live with and even learn to adore.

Pass And Speak One Another

I only had to write about Shakespeare and the million typing monkeys before I ran into something by way of Mefi that goes on forever and reads like the ravings of a sociopathic lunatic but every once in a while there is a flash of good reason and commonsense. It's up to the reader to have the patience to dreg through the loggorhoea and find those.

This is not the first time that someone's long personal ad which is more rant than bio has gone viral on the web . Check the classified ads section on page 14 for an illuminating contrast between a man's and a female's perspective on what each seeks and does not find. Reading the two side by side reminded me of my favorite quote by Henry Wadworth Longfellow

Ships that pass in the night and speak each other in passing;
Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;
So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another, 13
Only a look and a voice; then darkness again and a silence.

There is a common theme that connects them. In each case, the poster seems to have had some ugly experieneces that makes it impossible for them to believe in the inherent goodness of human beings. And so, the long list of disqualifiers, the longer list of must haves and can't stands. They earnestly believe that someone who has been vetted by their demanding acceptance criteria will be not be a mistake, that they will have weeded out anyone who could hurt them in a relationship. You sense the deep seated loneliness, inabilty to trust, anxiety, desperation and yes they sound like they should be seeking an instution instead of a life partner.

Meat Market

My site stats often lead to interesting reads around the web and even occasional inspiration for a post. Here is something I ran into recently : Desi Dating a Meat Market in which the author writes of her challenges in finding a desi man to date (maybe marry ?)

With each guy I talked to, I felt that there was always another woman there that they would rather be taking to and spending time with. It's that whole mentality that there's always something better out there. It was hard getting a guys attention and getting them to remember me without being too aggressive.

She is describing a scene at a Netip conference but it could very well be any other place where a bunch of single desis have congregated socially. The boys have come to expect nothing short of "super-model gorgeous" when it comes to a girls they will date. Whether these liaisons will lead to marriage is a whole different question - often a question they have little interest in to begin. I suspect quite often dating does not lead to matrimony - which would explain the large number of very attractive women in the dating pool and equally generous number of regular looking women who are married.

The prospects of a desi girl who is reasonably attractive but not in the league of stunningly beautiful have the worst of all worlds when they decide they can (or must) find someone to marry by way of dating. If the desi guy is halfway presentable, can string a couple of coherent sentences together and manage to hold a decent job he won't "give her the time of day" because he has many better looking women to choose from. There are no "super-model gorgeous" desi males in the desi dating pool so the girls just can't afford to be super selective.

So the "good looking" or "fairly attractive" desi girls will not having desi boys beating a path to her doorstep to take her out on a date. Arranged marriage is a definitely an option to consider and if not, she might want to wait for an act of God to connect her to the man she was meant to spend the rest of her life with. An abiding faith in fairytales and romanctic chick-flicks goes a long way in making the wait bearable.

Now, if these gorgeous desi women are looking to get hitched, chances are that they will be disappointed too. Thanks to their looks, they will continue to be very popular and eagerly sought out in the dating pool but be considered largely unsuitable for matrimony. While they may not lack for dates, the wedding mandap may be some ways away.

There is I believe a happy medium - a desi woman who is not too abrasive but just a little pushy so she is able to wrest a desi man's attention from everyone else who is competing for it, hot enough to date but not too hot to marry and bring home to Mommy, independent enough to not turn into a clingy appendage of her husband but not his equal or better, talented enough to show off to his family and friends but not so talented that it wins her praise and accolades from the world outside. It is a delicately balanced concoction of attributes that gives a desi woman the winning edge in the meat market.

I wish I had words of wisdom for this sister but I sadly do not.