Outlier Mother
I am surrounded by mothers of my generation who are, in one version or another, the "trailing parent" this Atlantic article describes. In fact, it is so much the norm that I stand out like a sore thumb. I often find myself second-guessing my life choices as the mother of an adult daughter who lives and works far from me. Was I supposed to do more to bring her home on a regular cadence? Should I have insinuated myself into every aspect of her life, offering safety-net support she doesn’t actually need?
These mothers see their kids far more than I do. Often, the children live with them for extended periods. One woman I know drives a couple of hours every weekend just to make herself useful to her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend. She cleans their apartment, runs errands, or brings their cats home with her if they have plans. The list is endless. The daughter works full-time while pursuing an advanced degree, and the boyfriend is gainfully employed. These are not "delinquent" young people struggling to stay afloat; I doubt they would suffer without this non-stop help, but they are happy to accept it.
Another mother ensured the family home was the literal midpoint between her children’s colleges. They report back dutifully for every break. They are fully supported financially, treating their credit cards like magic expense accounts they never have to worry about. Both have expensive tastes that aren't supported by any actual income. These are just two examples among dozens I encounter regularly.
Every generation finds new ways to parent, and every generation frets about it. Maybe the trailing parent is simply the next logical step in an era where adolescence stretches longer. Or, perhaps it’s something more worrisome: an inability to let go and allow children the gift of separation. An important step toward adulthood is the experience of stumbling—sometimes badly—and discovering you can stand on your own. It is difficult for a young adult to develop independence if their parents are constantly hovering, helping them navigate every minor crisis.
These parents view me with a mix of pity and concern because I don’t have that kind of "handle" on my child. She isn’t texting me all day, sharing TikToks every other hour, or disclosing every last detail of her personal and professional life. Instead, I am focused on transitioning into a friend and mentor. This means giving her sufficient space to make decisions good and bad, course correct on her own, be available as a sounding board but not as the arbiter of right and wrong, the decision-maker for her life.
Most days, I feel like I am doing the right thing. But occasionally, when I see how "close" these kids are to their parents, I wonder if I’ve missed something. It is never simple to swim against one’s generational tide. Mine is defined by helicoptering and trailing; I’ve chosen a different direction, and I often feel like I'm walking that path alone.
These mothers see their kids far more than I do. Often, the children live with them for extended periods. One woman I know drives a couple of hours every weekend just to make herself useful to her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend. She cleans their apartment, runs errands, or brings their cats home with her if they have plans. The list is endless. The daughter works full-time while pursuing an advanced degree, and the boyfriend is gainfully employed. These are not "delinquent" young people struggling to stay afloat; I doubt they would suffer without this non-stop help, but they are happy to accept it.
Another mother ensured the family home was the literal midpoint between her children’s colleges. They report back dutifully for every break. They are fully supported financially, treating their credit cards like magic expense accounts they never have to worry about. Both have expensive tastes that aren't supported by any actual income. These are just two examples among dozens I encounter regularly.
Every generation finds new ways to parent, and every generation frets about it. Maybe the trailing parent is simply the next logical step in an era where adolescence stretches longer. Or, perhaps it’s something more worrisome: an inability to let go and allow children the gift of separation. An important step toward adulthood is the experience of stumbling—sometimes badly—and discovering you can stand on your own. It is difficult for a young adult to develop independence if their parents are constantly hovering, helping them navigate every minor crisis.
These parents view me with a mix of pity and concern because I don’t have that kind of "handle" on my child. She isn’t texting me all day, sharing TikToks every other hour, or disclosing every last detail of her personal and professional life. Instead, I am focused on transitioning into a friend and mentor. This means giving her sufficient space to make decisions good and bad, course correct on her own, be available as a sounding board but not as the arbiter of right and wrong, the decision-maker for her life.
Most days, I feel like I am doing the right thing. But occasionally, when I see how "close" these kids are to their parents, I wonder if I’ve missed something. It is never simple to swim against one’s generational tide. Mine is defined by helicoptering and trailing; I’ve chosen a different direction, and I often feel like I'm walking that path alone.
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Parenting